As a mother, one of the most heart-wrenching experiences I’ve faced was witnessing my child’s struggle with overwhelming emotional pain. From a very young age, I saw her struggle with frustration and a deep sense of helplessness, unable to express her feelings in a way that made sense to her or others. It was devastating to watch her resort to self-injurious behaviors as a way to cope with the inner chaos she was experiencing. These moments, which began in childhood and carried into her teenage years, were among the darkest of our journey together. I remember the countless hospital visits, trying to appear strong on the outside while feeling devastated inside. In those moments, I had to stay calm externally, even though I was screaming inside, feeling utterly helpless.

Discovering that your child is self-harming is incredibly tough. It's natural to feel overwhelmed and even blame yourself, but it's important to understand that it's not your fault. There are steps you can take to support your child and yourself during this challenging time.

Understanding Self-Injurious Behavior in kids with Autism

Self-harm isn't a direct symptom of autism, but certain aspects of Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) can lead some individuals to hurt themselves. This behavior might be a way for them to communicate feelings they can't express verbally, such as frustration, fear or anxiety. For example, a child might bang their head to indicate they're overwhelmed or in pain.

In many cases, self-injury serves as a means of communication. Often a child is trying to convey a feeling or idea they may not be able to express in words. Biting, headbanging, scratching, hitting, cutting, hair-pulling or other self-injurious behaviors are a means of getting their needs met and may be their urgent need to express pain, fear, displeasure or anxiety. They may be trying to say, for example, “I’m scared, I want to get out of here” or “This is too hard, I don’t want to do this” or “Play with me!” or “Look at me!” or “My head hurts, it feels better when I bang it,” etc. Self-injury can also be a form of sensory stimulation. A child with autism may self-injure as a way to increase or decrease their level of arousal.

I remember feeling powerless and desperate for solutions, trying to find ways to help her navigate these intense emotions. As a mother, it is unbearable to see your child in pain, especially when they are unable to communicate what they are going through. It feels like a constant battle, and you have to learn to stay calm on the outside, even as you are screaming inside, helpless to make the pain go away.

Supporting Your Child

• Stay Calm and Non-Judgmental: Approach your child with empathy and without judgment. Express your unwavering support and willingness to understand their feelings.

• Encourage Open Communication: Create a safe space for your child to share their emotions. Listen actively, validate their experiences and reassure them that they are not alone.

• Seek Professional Help: Engage with mental health professionals experienced in autism and self-harm. They can provide tailored strategies to address underlying issues and develop healthier coping mechanisms.

• Ensure Safety: While it's crucial to remove obvious items that could be used for self-harm, be aware that children can be resourceful. Everyday objects like pencil sharpeners, hairclips, or even dismantled items can become tools for self-injury. Maintaining vigilance and conducting regular safety assessments at home is essential.

• Educate Yourself: Understanding the complexities of self-harm in children with autism empowers you to provide better support.

The Importance of Parental Support

It's vital to acknowledge that as parents, we also need support. Sharing our experiences with trusted friends, support groups or therapists can provide relief and guidance. Remember, seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness. You don't have to navigate this journey alone.

Taking Care of Yourself

• Talk About It: Share your experiences with trusted friends, family, or support groups. Expressing your feelings can provide relief and perspective.

• Self-Care: Even when it feels like there's no time, prioritize moments for yourself. Whether it's a short walk, reading a book or practicing mindfulness, these activities can recharge you.

• Seek Professional Help: Consider therapy or counseling for yourself. A professional can offer coping strategies and emotional support tailored to your needs.

Moving Forward Together

Fortunately, I’m able to say that my daughter has made remarkable progress and has moved far beyond that period in her life. Though we have both come a long way, I know that not all stories end with healing, and that recovery is a complex, ongoing process. I encourage anyone going through similar struggles to hold on to hope, knowing that recovery and healing are possible.

Supporting a child who engages in self-harm is a challenging and emotional journey. By fostering open communication, seeking professional guidance, and ensuring both your child's and your own well-being, you can navigate this path together. With understanding, patience, and support, there is hope for healing and a brighter future.

with love,

Vicky